'Avoid The Proclaimers': festival tips from Infadels

United Kingdom | | 04 June 2008

So says Infadels singer Bnan, who's band have been tearing up the European festival circuit since 2004. About to do it all over again at the likes of Glastonbury, V, Wacken, Lowlands, Pukkelpop and Rock Am Ring, who better to give some essential tips on tackling your summer pilgrimage...  

Selecting your festival

"It's essential you choose one that might be dry. Try to avoid Wales. Also, go to festivals that have really good bands and nothing too stupid. You know, if The Proclaimers are on then avoid at all costs. We tend to go for a range of events, big and small (see bottom for Infadels' top 5 festivals)."

What to take to a festival

"There’s always the discussion over taking wellies or not. On the one hand they do your head in and just get in the way, but if you don’t take them your best trainers will probably get mullered. So the discussion in your mind usually goes: ‘No I’m not taking them, no I’m not taking them, oh ok I’m going to take them’. It's the same with your mum and dad waterproof outfit that you want to leave behind but you feel naked without. One of the preparations for any summer should be to find some waterproofs that actually look good. If you can achieve that you’ll be head and shoulders ahead of everyone else. There’s also the camper in you that thinks it'll be a good idea to take a little barbeque and cook some sausages and beans every morning. Thing is, usually you’re too wasted to do anything and you end up buying shit burgers like everyone else - plus, no one’s going to do the washing up. My only other tip is to prepare to lose your mind."

Travelling

"Being on a tourbus is great but if you’re not in a band travelling to festivals is all about being in a car with a group of mates. You’ve got your tunes blaring out and you’re all in it together, drinking from the minute you leave - apart from the designated driver of course who’s only on marshmallows. It’s even better if you’re in a convoy and a load of you are following each other getting excited. It’s also a good way of blaming someone else when you get lost."

Camping

"When choosing your position be careful around hills. If you go at the bottom of the hill in Glastonbury your tent turns into a boat. Also, never camp near a toilet. The other thing you’ve got to think is how recognisable your camping base is. When you’re trekking back after a heavy day of festival fun it’s very hard to locate your own tent. It’s like when you park your car in a multi-storey and can’t remember where you parked, only times 3 million. I would suggest some kind of flag. Personally I like a nice pirates flag with a skull and crossbones, although I’ve noticed they’ve become a bit common place of late."

Eating

"Never eat the burgers because the burgers aren’t real burgers. Just think of it like this: real burgers are made of eye balls, ears and noses and stuff. But festivals burgers aren’t even real burgers, they are even less than eye balls and noses, they've got toe nails in them and all sorts. Try and keep it relatively healthy, or at least identifiable, and have the odd pig out every now and then. I only think you need one big breakfast to start the day and then something on the way home to your tent. It’s like doing the kebab run when you go out normally. We all go to the kebab house on the way home from a skinful in the pub because that’s the only time you find kebabs nice to eat. You’re just replicating that really. It could be some kind of samosa or something similar."

Toilets

"I’ve done a crash course with the Shaolin Monks in China to tackle this very problem and discovered it’s all about mind over matter. You make yourself believe that you’re not there. There’s two things you do; hold your nose and pretend you’re not there. Just close your eyes and think of a better place, maybe even repeat the mantra several times to yourself to make sure. The Shaolin Monks are definitely the way forward. Maybe save on your Glastonbury ticket this year and invest for the long term. They’re the only people hardcore enough to really help you deal with festival toilets. They take you to a higher level."

Weather

"When you have a sunny festival you have the problem of waking up at 6am to find your tent’s been transformed into a sauna. Then you have to dive outside and pass out and then you get sun burnt. So what you want is one of those tents with an overhang or a porch, so you can get some shade. Always remember to take sun cream. We don’t want to see people peeling. It looks pretty grim and it’s also very painful.  When it comes to wet muddy festivals there’s only one attitude to go with; as soon as it gets muddy dive into the mud face down, roll around in the mud for about 30 seconds and then you’ve got over the fear. Once you’re at one with the mud you know who you really are and you don’t have to fear the mud any longer."

Festival tactics

"You need to make sure you see lots of new bands. You might find a real gem you never knew about and these will be far more rewarding. It’s a lottery and you can win big and that’s how best bands are discovered. With the headliners, if they’ve put on someone silly, like Shirley Bassey, don’t feel like you have to go there. You just don’t have to because on another stage there will be something good. Don’t follow. Never follow. Be a leader. Have one meeting place and one meeting time and then go see the bands you want to see. If you go and watch the bands all your mates want to see you’ll have a miserable time. So if all your mates are going to watch Shirley Bassey and Bjork’s on the other stage, go and see Bjork. Do yourself a favour."

Music

"If Metronomy are playing go and see them. Operator Please are really cooll, as are Razmataz Lorry Excitement. Yes they really exist. I’m obviously not allowed to say Infadels as that would be cheap self promotion but from what I’ve heard from other people they’re a fantastic live band, probably the best thing you’ll see at any festival and well worth going to see. But that’s talking through someone else."

Other festival attractions

"The comedy tents can be good if you’ve taken some heavy acid. If you’re taking the brown acid at least you can go along and laugh at everything while you’re going through it, and not get paranoid. Don’t go to the medical people, I’ve always found them quite humourless."

Drink and drugs

"When you go to a festival the police should just say  to everyone: 'you can do whatever you like, you’re living off the land and you’re miles away from civilisation, so lose your mind and go crazy. Just so long as you return to your nice job and behave yourself afterwards.' Sadly they don't."
 
Attitude

"It’s one of the 10 commandments - not that I’m on the list because I’m an Infadel but I do feel this one - 'treat everyone like you want to be treated'. The thing about festival is they’re brilliant, you’re living in a shanty town, you’re all coming together, so you should be friendly. Try and make new friends at festivals because people are in a really good mood and open to new people and things."

Getting spiritual

"There are certain fields to go into and get spiritual with yourself, so it’s worth investigating those. But also it’s important to just have a quiet moment to yourself every now and then, appreciating nature and just being there. A massage can be a good way to unwind. Just look for the tye-dye people and they can often give you a good Indian head massage or something. After that you come away feeling a bit zen. It’s never a bad thing."

Things NOT to do

"Never have any regrets at festivals. Never leave a friend if they are of a nervous disposition. And never lie down in the middle of a mosh pit in between bands. It can be tempting if you’re a bit tired and it’s the middle of the day but you won’t enjoy it for long and it can kick off within seconds."

Infadels' top 5 festivals tips

"Glastonbury is always up there, of course. If you haven't been to Glastonbury then you haven't really experienced what festivals are all about.

Benicassim in Spain is brilliant because the weather is amazing, the line up is always good, there's a great atmosphere and a beach. If you collect your bottle and plastic cups you get a free drink.

Lowlands in Holland is incredible. Each stage is a massive tent, ranging from about 10,000 to 30,000 capacities. They give a sense of real danger with sweat dripping off the roof.

Roskilde is pretty amazing too, it’s big but the atmosphere is incredible.  Everyone’s up for it and looks after everyone else and there's a truly mystical vibe.

T In The Park. We haven’t actually been but it looks amazing on TV. It's one we’ve always wanted to do so fingers crossed we’ll do it soon."